What Your Intramural Sport Says About You
Okay confession: the track at my school happens to have a great view of the basketball court, so while I’m “jogging” I might just happen to catch a glimpse of the cuties shooting hoops… And why shouldn’t I? If I’ve learned anything about basketball boys is that they’re the types you wanna take home to your mama. They usually play with their friend groups or fraternity brothers and while they do get hyped up, they always finish the game with hand shakes. I’ve also noticed a trend of bball boyz inviting their girlfriends to come sit courtside (plastic bleachers, ooooh) and cheer them on. Self-serving and vaguely narcissistic? Yes. But still low key cute? Also yes.
Gals who play intramural basketball are equally as sweet. They’re just the girl-next-door types trying to have some fun with their friends. If you’re looking for a down to earth girl, the basketball girl is your market. They don’t mind getting sweaty and don’t pitch a fit about wearing the communal pinnies, like I would. To sum it up, if basketball is your sport of choice: good for you! You probably look like you walked right out of an early 2000’s CapriSun commerical. You’re wholesome, All-American, and just here for the love of the game.
The most popular sport in literally the entire rest of the world, America is kind of ~meh~ when it comes to soccer. Most people could take it or leave it. But people who are into soccer are really into it. This is true of the people who play it intramurally. Soccer players are a tricky breed; they seem so normal on the surface but in truth, a maniac bubbles below the surface. If you play soccer you probably do well in school and your parents are proud of you. Translation: you are desperate for sweet release, which is where soccer comes in. Forget Weenie Hut Jr. sports that use hands, you’re making full use of arguably the clumsiest body part and doing so while running full speed into other people. You’re an overachiever and soccer is just one more way you prove it to the world. Sure, if you’re a dude, your friends might rag on your for not playing a more masculine sport, but that just gives you an excuse to teach them what a slide tackle is.
Some Form of Football
Okay, so Football players, whether it be flag or two-hand-touch or whatever else, break down into two main groups: the dudes who played football in high school, and the dudes who didn’t play football in high school. The dudes who played football in high school are just trying to taste any lingering drops of their former glory. They’re aching for someone to just dump a cooler full of Gatorade on them already. College is hard, and they missed the days when all they had to think about was getting the ball in the end zone before blacking out from Natty Light in Missy’s basement because her mom and dad are out of town. Ahhh, we all miss it, Brad, we all miss it. The difference is, Brad has convinced himself that grabbing at a plastic ribbon hanging dangerously close to some guy’s butt will bring those memories back. Keep dreaming, big guy. The only thing worse than someone like Brad, is the dude who never even played football at all. Instead of killing off precious brain cells being tackled on the field, he looked up stats and more stats. You know how they say those who can’t do, teach? Well those who didn’t play come back with a vengeance to be annoying. Okay, we get it, you know more than the ref, but yelling “Chop Block!” twenty times won’t change the call. It’s a game, act like it. Save that excessive knowledge and unbridled aggression for the fantasy leagues.
You were probably coddled as a child and your parents never let you play contact sports. You’re probably nice and refined, but definitely not who I’m calling in for either a dance battle or a real fight. I mean, we’re talking about a sport where it’s totally acceptable to leave your David Yurman bracelets on. You probably have skinny legs, take that however you will, but every tennis player I’ve ever known has had skinny legs. You probably like kale, like unironically enjoy eating kale. This probably hurt your feelings somehow. I’d apologize, but again, I don’t think you’d be too domineering in a fight.
Something Weird and Obscure
What is Spikeball? What is Frisbee golf? What, exactly, is racquetball? I don’t know and I don’t particularly care to find out, which is fine by obscure-sport-playing people. You have your niche and you’re perfectly comfortable in it. You and your friends all picked your weird sport and have stuck by it loyally. Sure, nobody really gets it or accepts the flyers that you try to pass out on campus, but you don’t really care because you’re having a great time. You’re a weirdo, iconoclast, and unlike the rest of us, you don’t care about hiding it. Good for you, Spikeball kids! Sure, the rest of the world doesn’t understand you, but you’re having too much fun to notice.
So, there you have it, Intramural Sports players of the world! Did your sport match your personality? If it makes you feel better, no one down south has even heard of my sport! Feel free to lob complaints my way, while I wait for the state of Georgia to recognize lacrosse as a thing that exists!